Short Takes
Here are some odd blocks of text that don’t seem to fit anywhere else and I’m tired of dumping everything I think of on Twitter, so I thought, why not waste other people’s time reading it? Seriously, I hope it’s not a total waste of time, or at least your favorite little waste of time. Whatever.
Because I’m an angry young man with something to say.
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Vaccine selfies aren’t any more obnoxious than tweeting about your birthday; no less, but no more. For some people, getting a vaccine is all they have to boast about — not being, you know, talented or anything — so let them pretend to their moment of glory even though everyone knows it’s not a great accomplishment. Also, please remember to be kind. Unlike me.
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In the early 20th century, there was a popular song with these lyrics:
I want a girl just like the girl
That married dear old Dad…
The singer is basically saying he wants to fuck his mom.
Again, this was a popular song of the period.
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Poem inspired by the Events of January 6:
This is the way democracy ends;
With a minor insurrection, just between friends.
Under orders from our leader we don’t just head to a picnic;
No, we surry down to a stoned soul sicknick.
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And now for something that should offend everyone…because I was recently without power, heat or Internet in my home for 67+ hours, and thus simply don’t GAF about anything anymore. But the following “bit” isn’t about that.
I’m aiming for a tight 10 and will let you know.
THE GREATEST DAD PARADOX
Whenever someone’s father dies, it’s common for an adult son of his (for some reason it’s always a son, never a daughter) to say at the eulogy something along the lines of “My father was the greatest man I’ve ever known.”
The problem with this is that literally nobody who wasn’t actually related to Dear Old Dead Dad ever said that about him. This leads to one of two logical conclusions:
- The son knew his dad better than anyone else and was thus correct in his assumption.
- The son was deluded by his close connection to his father and was thus blinded to the fact that his deceased dad was not, in reality, all that great.
I leave it to you to decide which conclusion was more likely. One thing is certain: Whichever conclusion is correct, it does explain the popularity of World’s Greatest Dad mugs.
Don’t forget to tip your servers generously. Remember, they hate waiting on you.
I’m Andy Rooney, and this has been 60 Minutes.
